Healing from a break-up with class and style
Heartbreak, what a journey.
Breakups would have to single-handedly be the most challenging, saddest, and empowering things for anyone to go through. You don’t usually see those words all together, which demonstrates the messiness of this time.
They are extremely subjective and deeply personal. There is no one-size-fits-all when it comes to healing from a breakup, and a how-to guide is way too challenging to cover the intricacies of it all. I know you want to get over it SO BADLY and RIGHT NOW - so you may read this and exit the screen.
I HAVE GOOD NEWS - going through my first proper and intense heartbreak, I’m going to share with you what’s worked (and hasn’t worked) for me. To inspire you to feel the feels, learn the lessons, and evolve into a woman who deeply loves herself and owns her worth. And yes, I’m writing this in real time, not even a month after the breakup. Let’s dive in, shall we…
Firstly, I reflected on what even got me here in the first place. That, my friend, would be rushing the process. Because it’s easy to tell someone what they want to hear and think you want the same things when you have a drug of hormones, such as endorphins, oxytocin, adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine flooding your system. But what about when this “honeymoon AKA love-drugged” phase wears off? Logic reappears, and you start to think clearly. So, in a short amount of time, how well do you really know someone, and how much do you really know what they want? Lesson here: Give yourself at least a few months to get to know someone before giving them your heart (no matter how charming or loved you feel). Also, be mindful of these hormones going off in your brain when you’re falling in love. When they start to wear off, understand what’s happening on a neurological level instead of questioning if something is wrong with them, how you feel, or the relationship. You’re doing yourself and them a huge disservice if you’re basing your “love” on these hormones. Love is about devotion, selflessness, attraction, curiosity, care, and admiration. These hormones will slow down, but your love doesn’t need to.
The initial part of the breakup is Heavy, with a capital H. In my circumstance, the shock put my nervous system into shutdown and freeze mode. I wasn’t thinking straight, I could hardly sleep, and I popped a blood vessel in my eye because I was crying so much (hello, permanent red eyes). In this phase, it’s important to feel it all—the sadness, anger, frustration, and especially the grief. Because at some point, you probably thought you’d spend your entire life with this person—family, wedding bells, old age, and all. Now, they likely aren’t in your life anymore. This concept took me a while to grasp, as it’s the first time this has ever happened to me. It’s kinda like someone died. This phase is super messy, and while you may feel like distracting yourself, jumping back on Hinge, and jumping headfirst into work, it’s important to give yourself space to feel the uncomfortableness. As the saying goes, you must feel it to heal it. Your support system is going to be your best friend here. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your friends and family if you’re struggling; a phone call might just be the answer to your misery. Clearing out your calendar and carving out time to feel is crucial here. Lesson here: crying, hitting pillows, and journaling are your allies. It’s important to note—the last thing you’ll feel like doing is showing up for your responsibilities. Dig deep and find the courage to still show up anyway to avoid the guilt from calling in sick. You’ll thank yourself for it later. That being said, keep your responsibilities to a minimum. There is no time limit when it comes to this messy phase; you’ll know when it’s time to stop crying and start consciously choosing to stop thinking about them. You can’t avoid this phase. Just know that when you’re in it, you’re doing your future (and most fabulous) self a massive favor, as you’ll be able to heal from the breakup a lot faster than the person who initially gets drunk and hooks up with strangers to numb the pain. I mean, if you want to do this later, though, no shade.
There is a massive difference between pain and suffering. Pain is the grief, heartbreak, and sadness you’ll feel as a result of your breakup (and is inevitable). While suffering is the constant analysis of what you could have done better, dwelling on the relationship, tearing yourself down, and ultimately playing in victim mode. The part of your brain that’s responsible for pleasure is the exact part of your brain that holds the part for pain. Pleasure and pain are interchangeable, and you can’t feel the fullness of one without feeling the fullness of the other. You may feel like your heart is being ripped out of your chest (or was that just this lover girl?), and that’s because emotional pain and physical pain are almost the same. If you broke your foot, you would spend time healing your foot by resting it, getting a cast, and potentially doing rehab on it. There is no difference with heartbreak either. This phase is for constantly asking yourself—What do I need right now? And not just knowing it, but doing it. Lesson here: be super mindful of whether you’re dwelling in pain or suffering. Remember that you always have the choice about how you internalise situations. While yes, find the lessons and take full responsibility for what you can do differently to avoid the same patterns. At the same time, don’t allow your brain to sit in constant la-la land, romancing about the good times, flooding your system with tears and grief. Stop being so hard on yourself and blaming yourself for what you could have done differently. There is a huge difference between self-pity (fear) and self-responsibility (love)—always choose love.
If you’ve gone through a breakup with a kind guy, with no disrespect or hate involved, this is for you. It’s so easy to reminisce on how much of an amazing partner they were and how the love was so pure. They were kind, loving and respectful towards you (which you haven’t had in a long time). This makes you want to reach out to them to check on how they’re going, and the thought of never speaking to them again seems like torture. While I’m glad they didn’t cheat, disrespect or betray you, this is a tricky spot. What’s helped me is deciding to dislike them, consciously finding their flaws, and fully cementing in why it wouldn’t have worked long term. This isn’t easy for me, as a person who naturally sees the best in everyone and doesn’t hate anyone. I don’t agree with fully hating them, because walking around with hate and non-forgiveness in your heart is doing yourself a huge disservice. Pretending they're dead to me and not liking them has been THE pivotal thing to moving on and getting over it. Lesson here: write a letter to them with anger and disgust. You never have to send it, but let out your angry side that you seem to suppress. Women are allowed to be angry. In the early days, I also found it helpful to send text messages to myself of what I would say to my ex. Sounds a bit loco and maybe like I should be checked into a mental ward - but whatever works, works.
Your love story with this person has ended, and a chapter in your life has closed. Guess what love story gets to make the next appearance, though? The love story with the only forever constant in your life, YOU. You have so much extra time and space to dedicate to doing and figuring out the things that bring YOU the most joy. Whether that be spending more time with your loved ones, taking a new dance class, beginning your running career or finding pleasure in spending time alone. I’m a big believer that when you master the art of solitude and feel so happy and content alone, your standards naturally rise at an astronomical rate. Instead of using this extra time to feel sorry for yourself and doomscroll, start writing out some goals and ideas in your journal. Make progress towards these goals daily, even if it’s just waking up a little earlier or starting a new book. Focus on the small wins, because that’s likely what your nervous system only has capacity for right now. Progress is the purpose of life, and an instant relief from pain. Lesson here: get on your manifestation pants and create a vision board for your future. It likely looks a bit different from the future you once saw, which can be exciting and nerve-wracking (fear is just excitement without the breath; they are the same feelings, it’s all about perspective and how you handle it). Start to feel excited about your new future and the version of yourself you get to create. This is your opportunity to be less selfless and more focused on yourself. You won’t have this time forever (you catch, you), so lap it up while you can and alchemise that fear into excitement.
The biggest takeaway? ALWAYS ask yourself in every moment, “How can I handle this with style and class?” That likely means not reaching out when all you want to do is send that text, still going for that run even when you don’t feel like it, and looking for lessons rather than self-pity. I promise you, this challenging phase will eventually become one of the best things that ever happened to you. You don’t need to know how yet—you just need to trust that it’s true.
Feel it all. Take the time to heal. Extract the lessons. Then flourish, like you KNOW you’re capable of.
You deserve to love and thrive again. And for this chapter, it all starts with you.
You’ve got this. Even when you don’t feel like you do—just know I’m rooting for you.
All my love,
Em xxx