Ready to Ditch People-Pleasing? Not So Fast—Read This First

If there were a people-pleaser definition in the dictionary, it would have been me in my late teens and early 20s. People-pleasing is a commonly used term, and it seems everyone is either identifying with it or aiming to overcome it. I think it’s becoming slightly confusing for women out there. You’re either a badass woman who doesn’t take any shit, or you’re a caring, kind, and generous woman—which automatically makes you a people pleaser. For kind-hearted women, the first option feels overwhelming and the opposite of who they identify with, so it’s easier to stay stuck as a people pleaser. I’m the biggest believer that you can—and deserve to—hold the duality of being both: a considerate and kind woman who is also bold, prioritizes her own needs, and doesn’t feel unnecessary guilt.

I’ve been on a six-year journey of overcoming my people-pleasing tendencies. I’m here to share my insights, wisdom, and fuck-ups to inspire you to either start or excel in your journey.

When I first began my journey in overcoming people-pleasing, it was messy. The motto “put your needs first” made me start to think a little selfishly, and I was constantly in a state of confusion. I remember my best friends visiting my hometown, and I was tired the afternoon they arrived. I thought, “Well, I’m not a people pleaser anymore, so I’ll go up and see them tomorrow.” I know some of them were disappointed. I look back at that situation and cringe at myself because I value them so much and would put them above being tired any day of the week. It was like I was trying to prove something to myself.

Being selfless is a beautiful trait to have, as long as you’re not doing harm to yourself (being tired is far from harm). Sometimes, you need to put people’s needs before your own—whether it’s your family, children, best friends, or partner. Do you want to take them to the hospital at 11 p.m. when you’re tired? Absolutely not. But in this instance, for their health and your love for them, you do it anyway. This whole “put your own needs first always” is being sold as a lie. While I do believe in prioritizing self-care and filling up your cup so you can give to people in overflow, I also believe in considering other people’s needs, especially those you love most. Use your intuition and moral compass to figure out in the moment if you need to prioritize their needs for a hot second—because even when you do, you’re releasing oxytocin in your body, and that’s a need for you. The motto here: be selective about who you are pleasing.

Your people-pleasing traits likely go way deeper than just wanting to be a good human. Firstly, if you saw your parents or caregivers do things out of obligation and struggle to say no, this is what you’ve deemed as your way of getting love and acceptance. Our top human need is to receive love and acceptance, and if you’ve been shown that the way to do it is by pleasing others, it makes sense that you’re repeating the same patterns as an adult.

We also experienced a thing called “good girl conditioning,” where we were taught to be polite, nice, and non-confrontational as little girls. We were taught not to be “too much” and to fit in with the crowd. Lastly, your people-pleasing tendencies could be because you are stuck in a ‘fawn’ trauma response. This means that as a little girl, you were made to believe you needed to impress and please those around you to receive love and acceptance. It means that the love you received was likely conditional instead of unconditional—based on the condition that you prioritized others’ needs and wants. It’s common to be stuck in this trauma response if you had physically or emotionally abusive parents or caregivers and you wanted to impress them. This stuff is deep. Just know that if you identify with one of these experiences, you are not alone, and all trauma and brain programming can be healed and rewired.

If you ask people their main goals in life, they would likely say the following: have a successful career, make lots of money, and travel the world. Something underrated and overlooked is the most important factor to happiness, fulfillment, and longevity of life—the quality of your relationships. The longest-running study in the world, going for nearly 80 years, proves that the number one indicator for a joyful and long-lasting life is the closeness of your relationships, and that loneliness is just as harmful as smoking and alcoholism. Phoning or catching up with someone is just as important for your self-care as going for a run. Therefore, pleasing the people that you love can be a great thing, as long as you’re not doing it out of obligation.

Going out of your way for people, thinking about things from their point of view, and showing genuine care for others should definitely not be considered “people-pleasing.” Relationships are two-sided, and it’s important to sometimes give and sometimes receive. So the next time you want to go out of your way for someone, ask yourself, “Am I doing this to love and care for them, or am I doing it to impress them and ensure they like me?” If it’s the first one, go for it. If it’s the second, reconsider the desire and either choose not to do it or reframe it in a way that it comes from love, not validation.

There are a few clear warning signs of people-pleasing. Let’s see if you can resonate with any of them. A huge cockblock to fulfillment and joy is feeling guilty all the time. This is when you could get away with having “I feel bad” written as a tattoo on your forehead. Check yourself when you say this term and reconfigure if it’s something you should genuinely feel bad for. Guilt isn’t always the root of all evil—it can show you areas you need to improve. However, nine times out of ten, it isn’t necessary and is a hardcore sign of people-pleasing.

Next, are you saying yes out of obligation and feeling like you should do something? I’m starting a petition to ban that word from the vocabulary—it’s either you WANT to or you DON’T. When you’re saying yes out of obligation or not speaking your truth, you’re doing the other person a massive disservice because you are creating resentment toward them. This will likely cause friction between the two of you. Put emphasis and thought on your yeses and noes. Say yes if you genuinely want to, and say no when you don’t. The caveat is that there will be times in when you say yes because you know it will benefit the other person, even if you don’t want to—like taking someone to the doctor’s or going to their house if they’re upset. Use your moral compass and intuition, and know that everyone’s life experiences are deeply subjective, so never base your moves do on a piece of advice you read on a (dope) blog.

A strong piece of advice in overcoming people-pleasing is to “not care what other people think of you.” I agree, and I also don’t agree. If you had no fucks to give about what people thought about you, you would likely run a rampage, saying cruel things to people and being highly self-absorbed. This is what they call a narcissist, a term being thrown around far too easily these days.

Holding yourself to a high standard, having impeccable integrity, being highly trustworthy, and considering others is an exceptional way to live your life. The issue lies when you’re molding yourself into a different version of yourself based on who you’re with. The goal is to get your concern for others’ opinions down to around 0–5% of your thoughts. You can still care—just reduce or eliminate the overthinking.

Here’s to eliminating the confusion and amplifying the love on your journey of overcoming people-pleasing. You’ve got this.